


What is Love?

by YunaBlaze



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Blind Ignis Scientia, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of childhood abuse, Secret Crush, Self Confidence Issues, minor mentions of other characters - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-02-16 10:55:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18690079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YunaBlaze/pseuds/YunaBlaze





	What is Love?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Lagerstatte](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lagerstatte/gifts).



Darkness...

That was all the people of Eos now saw every day, but to Ignis Scientia, they didn’t see what actual darkness was like. Darkness was a black void of emptiness. Ever since his sight was taken from him as an exchange to receive the blessing of the Kings, darkness was all that he knew, so unlike many, he was not afraid when day grew shorter and shorter until only the eternal night remained. No, to the Royal Retainer of Lucis Family, what everyone should fear was whether they would all be able to survive to the day when their King returned to them.

Unfortunately, it would seem Ignis would become one of the unfortunate souls to not be able to see Noctis’ or daylight’s return.

Perhaps it was inevitable for this to happen... Ignis had left his mental health to rot for so many years, it had finally reared its head and landed him in this dire situation: a bleeding wound on his side, supplies destroyed in his skirmish with the daemons and help miles away from his current position.

 _Is this how I am going to die then?_ The blind man thought morosely as he leaned heavily against a thick tree root and dirt with his hand covering his wound as much as possible, curling up on himself and hoping the large roots around him would be enough to hide him from any stragglers that were prowling in the forest. _In pain and in darkness?_

Ignis shivered as he felt the wind slapping on his side, he curled up further and hug himself tightly. Damn... And he had to die like how he had spent most of his nights in his childhood? Afraid, alone and broken... like a dying animal.

His grip on his cane tightened as he remembered those nights, his parents neglected him for most part, though when he started his studies that was when they brought out the whips and harsh words. So many nights of torture that he silently endured, thinking... No... BELIEVED... His father and mother were only trying to get him to understand the severity of his mistakes, one misstep or one miscalculation could affect everything. It was a lonesome and painful existence until he had finally met Noctis. Innocent little Noctis, who had went through several traumatic events, had somehow managed to smile at him when he had no reason to. As if Ignis was someone worthy of having a piece of light, of happiness, shining a bit of light on his otherwise dark world. After Noctis, came Gladiolus, Iris and then Prompto. So many little lights that had brighten his days and made him feel like the future was worth fighting for and looking forward to. It had certainly made it a little easier to endure all those horrible nights on his own when he inevitably had to return home.

 _No... I can’t die here... Not like this... Not..._ Ignis struggled to get up, but his body utterly failed him, just as he had failed to keep up with everyone when he had lost his sight and could no longer make himself useful to others. So he chose to fight on his own, despite Gladiolus’ and Prompto’s protests. At least this way... no one would need to carry this burden while fighting hoard of monsters... and soon... he wouldn’t be a burden to anybody.

As Ignis laid amongst the moist dirt and dead wood, he clung onto the fading memory of young Noctis holding his hand in both of his. If death was inevitable for him... he wished he could have had this tiny bit of warmth before he faded from this world.

 _Hmm... At least the Gods are kind enough to give me this before I die..._ Ignis thought as he felt a faint warmth around his blood-soaked hand before he lost all of his senses.

***

Hot... Heat... Warmth...

Those were the first sensation the blind man felt when he came to. He didn’t feel his clothes on him, there was only a thick blanket covering him. His senses were still reeling and his mind was still in shambles. _Where...? ...What? How?_

‘You’re finally awake. You got lucky, it’s a touch and go there, Scientia,’ a rough voice said.

Ignis tensed up slightly as his feverish mind easily pinned the face that voice belonged to and he whispered, ‘Marshal?’

An affirmative grunt was all he received, but it was definitely Cor Leonis. The blond tried to sit up, but a strong hand was soon placed on his shoulder, gently urging him to lie back down. ‘Easy, you were barely conscious when I have found you and you have been running a fever since. Rest. It’s safe here.’

‘Where... are we?’ Ignis asked before he started coughing, his brain finally registered the fact that his throat was dry.

He felt strong but gentle hands slowly manoeuvered his upper body into a raise position before a cup was pressed against his lips, he thirstily drank its cool content while Cor answered, ‘In an abandoned hut, probably used to be a resting for Hunters. It has seen better days, but it will do until you’ve recovered enough for us to return to Lestallum.’

After finishing up all the water in the cup, Ignis weakly grasped Cor’s coat as he struggled to get up on his own as he insisted, ‘I am fine... We can head back to Lestallum now...’

Before he could even move an inch more, the Marshal had already pinned him back down with barely any effort. He tried to wiggle out from under the man’s arm, but his struggle was practically that of a weak kitten. He could feel the older man’s usual stern gaze on his face as he said with a tone of finality, ‘You are not going anywhere until you are healed, Scientia. You don’t help anyone by taking unnecessary risks.’

‘It has helped by taking risk!’ Ignis shouted, hands tightened on Cor’s coat in anger. He managed to chase off Ardyn and save Noctis by using the Ring of Lucii’s power! Actually, their group had been taking nothing but risks to get this far! Calculated risks of course, but risks nonetheless!

‘Not when you are on your own with no help,’ Cor hissed out while keeping a tight hold on Ignis. ‘You could have died out there and then what would that accomplish? Everyone is already struggling and mourning every day. Do not make it worse for everyone... Especially those who care about you.’

‘No... No one cares about me...’ Ignis whispered weakly as his strength was slowly sapped from all of his struggle. Voices rang in his head, talking disappointment and whispering abandonment, so many voices and so many of them were familiar to him. It was like a damp had suddenly broken and all those hurtful words came forth to drown him. Or perhaps he had been drowning in them for so long that he had simply chose to ignore them, letting these dark words deteriorated his mental and emotional health over time.

‘Even if you believe so, I know at least one person who cares about what happened to you...’

That was all Ignis could hear before he lost his consciousness once more.

***

Pain... Cries... Blood...

Ignis remembered those things all too well and now his feverish mind kept playing them on repeat, torturing him nonstop with things he had wished he could forget, things he had only managed to escape when he was fully focus on his duties or when he was cooking in either Noctis’ apartment or the Citadel. To him, home was nothing but a prison of promised pain and his parents were its cruel torturers. They always said that they loved him, but duty must always come first before their love for him and, with him being chosen as the retainer for the future King of Lucis, they demanded nothing other than perfection from him. One mistake, no matter how small, would mean scars he would have to hide and wounds he would learn to bandage on his own.

It was... frustrating...

He wished he could cry, shout and yell until the whole Insomnia could hear his pain and suffering, though doing so would mean he became unfit to serve Prince Noctis and King Regis would surely remove him of his post, doing so would be no different from claiming his life. So... silence... was the only choice for him.

There was no one he could confide into even if he wished to...

Noctis would instantly jump to his defense, but as the sole heir to the Lucian Kingdom, he could not develop such brash behaviours. He needed to learn to keep his emotions at bay and not be influenced by them too often. His help would only cause unnecessary drama within the Citadel and many would scapegoat Ignis to prevent further damage. No help could be found there.

Gladiolus might have been a good choice, though confiding in him would be no different from activating the warning sirens of an enemy attack. His father, Clarus, might attempt to cast the whole House of Scientia out of Insomnia for this crime, he might stay, but he would forever be branded as a kin betrayer or a weak and emotionally unstable retainer. No help could be found here either.

Prompto and Iris were seen as children for many, their words would mean nothing and they might cause more harm than good if their words turned into a wild fire of gossips for other less savoury characters to take advantage of. No help at all.

In the end, Ignis was all alone in his suffering...

Quietly... Silently... Certainly... Dying from the inside.

Yet...

In his dark history of pain and suffering, there were always little things, tiny lights of happier time and brief moments of comfort.

Days spent with Noctis, despite being quite a hassle at times, were often filled with a quiet sense of peace and seeing his progress filled him with pride.

Days spent with Gladiolus was few and between with their own respective, but the bigger man was a trusted companion who would help him with his task as much as he could, for it was their duty to protect and care for the Prince. He might not be willing to share his inner demons with the Shield, but he knew that should he fall behind, the man would carry on for him.

Days spent with Prompto and Iris were brief, though they were breaks that gave him a bit of hope and happiness at seeing how the people of Insomnia, despite being locked in a seemingly never-ending war with Niflheim, could still continue with smiles on their face. The future of a better tomorrow still existed.

There was also something else...

Something Ignis hadn’t been able to put his finger on for a long time...

Subtle things that he had mostly and almost forgotten...

A tray of warm food on his work desk with his paperwork stacked in an orderly fashion on the side. A bottle of water in his training locker, which he did not recall having brought with him. A packet of cold medicine in his coat’s pocket when he was feeling under the weather. A sachet of herbs with soothing scent on top of his returned laundry.

So many little things that he had brushed off as insignificant and ignored to focus on the more important tasks. Perhaps they were actually more significant than he had initially thought.

As the memories started to blur in his mind’s eyes, one in peculiar seemed sharper than the other. He had been deeply asleep, resting on his desk with mountains of paperwork that still required his attention, but he was partially awoke by the sudden warmth over his shoulders. He had once assumed it was Gladio who had found him asleep and went to fetch him a blanket. Now, thinking back, he wondered if it hadn’t been someone else...

Someone had actually noticed how broken and tired he actually was...

Someone had tried to make him feel better with all these small gestures...

Someone had been watching over him when he thought he was the only one looking after everyone else...

Someone... cared...

Someone actually cared about him...

The mere thought of such idea brought a very... warm feeling...

***

Warmth...

At times, Ignis was not sure if he was truly awake or not, though his surroundings quickly pulled him back to reality, often the temperature. Except this time, it wasn’t the cold that woke him up. In fact, he was feeling quite warm. He shifted slightly before he froze up as his mind slowly caught up with all his senses. Something was holding down over the shoulder and he was pressed against something hot and sturdy...

_What in Eos?_

The gears in the blind man’s feverish brain slowly grinded themselves to a start and he started to recall where he was, what had happened and, especially, WHO was with him.

Wait... Hold on... Cor Leonis allowed himself to be used as a pillow and heater for a subordinate? This picture did not make any sense and frankly, despite being the subject of said unusual treatment, Ignis still had a hard time to believe this.

Yet, even with the shock wearing off, Ignis did not pull away from the sleeping man. He felt the heat gathered on his cheeks slightly as he remained still, not wanting to wake the older man. He actually didn’t really want this to end so soon...

To be honest, the blond didn’t realize how much he had actually craved another’s closeness. Touches that did not promise pain. The warmth from another body pressed against him. It was a feeling of safety he had never experienced. He exhaled softly as he relaxed in Cor’s hold, letting himself drift back to sleep.

It had taken a week before Ignis recovered enough to make the trip back to Lestallum with Cor. He had expected to return without anyone noticing, but instead, he was ambushed the moment he stepped past the gate. Iris and Talcott were the first to greet him, both crying in relief at his return. After the children, it was Gladiolus and Prompto who came to him, the Shield instantly checked his body for any injury while berating him for his recklessness and the photographer clung onto him, just happy that he had returned safely. Then many other associates came to check up on him as his friends escorted him back to their apartment, they were all glad he had survived and was amongst them once more. The blind man never realized there were so many people who actually cared about him... Worried for his safety... Feared the worse might have befallen on him...

And he thought they would be glad to be rid of a burden...

_Even if you believe so, I know at least one person who cares about what happened to you..._

Those words rang in Ignis’ mind as he was ushered to one of the apartment for a hot filling meal and a good night’s rest. He paused shortly before they entered the building and asked, ‘Where’s the Marshal?’

‘Oh, Cor has already went to headquarter for some news updates. He has been away for some time after all and things just get busier,’ Prompto answered in his carefree manner before he pat his back lightly. ‘Come on, Ignis, he’s not being called the Immortal for nothing. He’s fine and it’s not like the first time he has to do more work for us. You can help out when you’ve fully recovered.’

***

Ignis was not certain if it was his brush with death that made him more aware of his surroundings or if he had simply been ignoring everything his remaining senses were offering him while he wallowed in self-loathing and self-pity. For the first time, he chose to just... let his senses guide him, instead of forcing himself to focus on one in peculiar and they slowly opened a new vision before him. The feel of the air flow on his face, the sounds of the working city, the stone and metal underneath his hand and the smells of engine and herbs lingering in the air.

Slowly, the blind man made his way through the city on his own, wanting to visit the Marshal and thank him properly before the older man headed out for another outpost. It was a little disorienting at times when he was travelling alone without someone serving as his sight, but he had a good memory and sense of orientation, combined with his senses, he actually managed to reach his destination without any peculiar problem or getting lost like the first few times when their group decided to remain in Lestallum.

The blond stopped at the building where the Marshal usually remained in when he was in town, his fingers gently traced the plate number by the door to make sure he got the right building. A small sense of pride and accomplishment swelled in his heart when he found out that he did get the right building without anyone else helping him. Ignis tried to keep his steps soft and not rely on his cane too much, not wanting to wake the other occupants. He paused when a delicious aroma tickled his nose.

 _...Someone is cooking?_ Ignis was surprised to say the least, seeing no one in the building actually cooked, they usually relied on prepared rations or head to the food stands in the center of the city.

Ignis’ feet started moving on their own as he followed the wonderful smell and honed in on the faint clanking noise of kitchen utensils being used. The weight of a very familiar notebook in his pocket felt heavier and the cook inside him longed for more discoveries of new cooking recipes. He missed being able to cook for others...

‘Ignis?’ came a surprised call of his name, snapping the blind man out of his melancholy.

 _No... Way..._ Ignis could not believe it. He doubted he would even believe it if he still had his own two working eyes. Cor Leonis. The Immortal. The Marshal. The strictest man in existence. He was cooking?!

‘You should be resting. What are you doing up and about so late?’ Cor demanded in his stern tone as he set things aside to approach the blind man.

‘I...’ Ignis trailed off as he felt the Marshal coming to stand next to him. His heart fluttered slightly as he sensed the heat emanating from the man and it jumped faster as soon as a calloused hand landed on his shoulder and another was pressed on his forehead.

‘Hmm... Good, your fever hasn’t returned,’ Cor murmured softly, almost to himself than to Ignis, but the concern behind his words was very apparent.

The blind man cleared his throat to refocus on the reason of his late night visit. ‘I am fine, Marshal. I... just wanted to thank you... for saving me...’

‘It’s nothing, Scientia,’ the old warrior replied politely. Ignis wondered why he felt a little downcast at being called by his last name once more. ‘I can’t exactly leave you to your fate when I was in the area. It’s really by chance that I even found you after I heard from some hunters that you went off on your own to take care of some Daemons without any of your friends.’

The guilt or shame didn’t rear out their face at all at the older man’s words. In fact, Ignis’ heart fluttered once more as he wondered if Cor was indirectly admitting that he was worried about him and had sought him out on his own. ‘I apologize to have trouble with my recklessness. I... wanted to be able to help without relying on others. I understand I was horribly reckless with my decision to do so.’

A large hand settled on his shoulder, causing him to jump slightly, though the gentle tone soon appeased the blind man’s nervous beating heart as Cor said, ‘You have nothing to apologize for, Ignis. I understand your desire to prove your worth once more, I trust that you have learned your lesson and won’t repeat such dangerous endeavour again.’

Ignis nodded in agreement. Yes... And not only that, he was relieved to discover that no one actually thought of him any less for being blind and they were all concerned, even Cor who had always seemed so distant and uncaring with his strictness. For a seemingly cold person, he was actually very warm, almost like... the hands that had put a blanket over his shoulders... Was it even possible?

‘Interested in my recipe?’ the Marshal asked out of the blue, pulling Ignis from his thoughts.

‘What?’ The blind man was not sure he heard that correctly.

‘That’s what drew you in here, right? And I know you like to collect different cooking recipes on your journey,’ Cor remarked, surprising Ignis once more. Was the Marshal always this attentive to his subordinates or was it just him that he noticed more? ‘Would you like to learn this recipe?’

Ignis quickly sobered up from these wishful thinking and replied in a downcast manner, ‘I would love to, but... I can’t cook anymore.’

‘Nonsense,’ Cor said and took the younger man’s hands in his own. ‘You might have lost your sight, Ignis. Yet you are still a very capable fighter, with time and training, I am certain you will return to your former strength and prowess. Cooking is no exception. The only one who is holding you back is yourself.’

Ignis didn’t know what to say, though he felt a bit invigorated by Cor’s encouraging words. This belief that he could get better, instead of feeling the need to look after him like a newborn chocobo chick, was something he had been desperately needing without realizing it. While Gladiolus and Prompto had done their best to let him fight on his own during hunts, they would soon start to hover over him protectively instead of focusing on their targets. No one had truly wanted to leave him to accomplish things on his own or push him to surpass his limits, until now. Even if it was just one person, it was enough to him.

For the first time in a long time, a genuine smile stretched over Ignis’ lips, then he said, ‘I would love to learn this recipe.’

The blind man might not be able to see, but he was certain that the warrior was smiling at his response. Gentle hands carefully guided him over cooking tools and utensils, along with a soothing voice that informed him of each step required to make the dish. There were some small inevitable cuts and burns, mistakes that were most certainly normal in his case, though none of them affected him as badly as before, physically or mentally. In fact, he felt more determined to cook properly again. When he tasted the end product, yes it was burned in some spots and some parts didn’t taste right, it was nonetheless delicious to him. Even Cor, himself, didn’t remark on the flaws and simply encouraged him to do better next time. Hope had been ignited in the blind retainer once more and it burned brightly through the darkness of his own desolated mind.

***

From that night onward, whenever Cor returned or their paths crossed in their hunts, Ignis would try to cook for the Marshal, just as the man had helped him slowly orientating himself amongst the many tools and ingredients. Over time, they had grown close, but they still held a certain distance between them.

Ignis was not certain how love should be, though he had learned that love came in many shapes and sizes. Some lovers would consider it as a festering wound if they weren’t by their partner’s side, some hurt each other out of love, some acted like friends. Not to mention love from family bonds and friendships. Nevertheless, Ignis knew that he loved Cor, a love that was different from the ones he had for his friends and most certainly not similar to the special affection he held for Noctis. This love for the Immortal only grew as he slowly caught the man’s subtle actions, leaving recovery items for him when he had ran out, making sure he had actually ate and putting a blanket over his shoulders at night when he thought he was asleep.

Yes, Ignis might not know how love should be like, but he wouldn’t trade any other kind for the one Cor had apparently held for him. Just the knowledge that there was someone who actually noticed his pain and supported him throughout all these years was enough. A silent guardian of his own. That would be enough for someone like him.


End file.
